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We haven’t seen or spoken to each other in a little over a week… And while it does make me feel sad to think about a week of us having nothing to say to one another, honestly the silence doesn’t feel quite as terrible as I imagined it would be. In fact, in a weird way, it almost feels like it’s been a good thing. It’s given me a lot of time to think.

I’ve been embracing lately the idea of time acting as the ultimate healer. Time is moving on, either with or without us, whether we like it or not. With each and every hour that passes, it has taken me that much further away from all that’s happened… but at the same time, it’s also slowly inched me closer to finding clarity, peace, and whatever it is that the future holds for me. For the first time in months, everything finally feels like it’s going to be okay someday. 

With every passing hour in the days and weeks to come, I hope you know you’re that much closer to healing and finding your own peace too. One day, you’ll wake up and feel so much better about everything. You’ll feel happy and know who you are once more. And you’ll finally feel like you’re able to be completely vulnerable again and allow someone into your heart who will love you, exactly as you are, forever. When that day comes, I hope you’ll know where to find me.

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We talked about the future often… Probably more than the average for people who’ve known eachother for as short a time as we have. 
At first, I was a little hesitant and scared to talk about the future like that, so seriously and so soon, but you seemed absolutely certain of what you wanted — and more importantly, you seemed certain about wanting those things with me. And so slowly but surely, those ideas of yours began to swirl around in my mind too, despite the barriers I’d put up long ago in an effort to try and avoid that sort of thing.

And now, I’m trying my best to recover from the whiplash. We’ve moved from knowing we want the same things, to suddenly “being at such different stages in life” that this now seems impossible… Or so you say. 

I’ve given those words much more thought than they probably deserve over the last several days, and well, I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how you could actually truly believe that, after all of our conversations about the subject. It really makes me wonder: do you just see whatever it is you’ve decided you want to see? 

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I’m so afraid to reach out and talk to you or tell you anything half the time now, because I have no idea if it’s going to upset or annoy you, or if you’ll even respond or be in a mood to talk to me. It feels absolutely horrible.

I don’t know what you want or where your head’s at. I have no idea how to act or what to say or how to say it.

You say we’re still friends, and I really hope that’s true, but it feels like even that’s falling apart. 

I’ve come to terms and accepted everything that’s happened in the last few months. I understand why a romantic relationship won’t work right now. I forgive you completely for everything that’s caused me pain because I know you’re a good person who didn’t mean for things to go like this, and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel guilty or like a bad person for any of it.

All of this I can handle, but for whatever reason I just can’t deal with feeling like I can’t even talk to you anymore. I know I’m more than capable of being just your friend, but if this is how it’s going to feel…

Clueless

It breaks my heart a little more each time I think about how clueless I was. You were… and are, in so much pain, and I never really noticed. Hell, I never even stopped to contemplate the possibility that your unexplained actions (or occasionally the lack thereof) had absolutely nothing to do with me after all. I feel so ashamed and selfish. I should have known better.

The worst part is that the signs were there… subtle, but undeniably there, in retrospect. And sometimes I hate myself for not realizing it entirely on my own. A small part of me wishes you had trusted me enough to let me in sooner, to unload a little and ease the burden of holding it all in… But I think I have a better understand now as to why you couldn’t.

I hope someday you’ll forgive me. 

Bittersweet Time Travel

Who knew it would feel this strange to log back into WordPress after nearly 3 years and read some of my old blog posts? It’s kind of like I’m time travelling into the past… which I’m finding to be mostly bittersweet, because I can’t help but to think about everything that’s happened in the time since my last post:

My college boyfriend and I broke up after almost three years together. I earned a double major in finance and management science and graduated on time with honors. Within the last year and a half, my grandpa, and then my dad two months later, both passed away unexpectedly. I finally ditched the college retail job, and I now have a new job at a great company doing something I enjoy that pays way better. I went into – and then out of – a relationship faster than I could reasonably process with a silly boy to whom I happily haven’t spoken in over a year now. I bought my very first house this past June. I stopped going to church and practicing the faith I grew up with. I met and have fallen completely in love with someone at the most unexpected place and time in my life, but the uncertainty of my future with him leaves me feeling sadder than I’ve felt in a long time. I’ve grown so much closer to a few friends and have made some great new friends as well. I’ve also grown very far apart from several old friends and have accepted this to be a sad yet normal thing for 20-somethings to go through.

So yeah, I won’t lie. There’s a small part of present-day me that truly envies the carefree, unsure, and unsuspecting me from a few years ago. I think she would have been excited and proud to hear all about my accomplishments, but she would have also been devastated to learn about the grief and pain that has become a staple in my life lately. And of course, if I could somehow go back and tell her the things I know now, maybe things today could be different.

However, there is another, much larger part of me that desperately wants to believe I am now a better and stronger person because of these experiences. There are certainly days where I feel like I might be… Especially when I think about where I used to be versus where I am now and about all the loving people and great blessings I have in my life today. I guess I’m just waiting for the day when I know with 100% certainty that everything is going to be okay.

 

 

… Another Will Open.

Confession: I’ve been singing. A lot.

Now I’m not claiming to be great at it by any means, but I’ve been absolutely enjoying singing almost every day for the last month or so. In the shower, on the road, even while I’m walking to my classes, I’ve been singing. I found that not only does it help me alleviate some of the stress I’ve been dealing with, but it has also helped to take my mind off of the recent breakdown of a friendship I thought I’d always have.

And most importantly, singing just makes me feel HAPPY. I’ve been having the most difficult time these last few months trying to keep myself afloat with all the work and responsibilities I have, and it’s so nice to have something to help remove myself from it all. Even if I forget about everything just for a little while, I always come back feeling confident and reassured that the things that trouble me will turn out alright after all.

And now for the part I was not expecting:

Somehow, during all this craziness in my life recently, I managed to make a new friend. We have so much in common, if I tried to elaborate just how similar we are, you’d probably think I’m just making it up as I go. After discovering our mutual loves for Breaking Bad, classical music, snail mail, Miley Cyrus, Italian food (and cooking in general), stuffed animals, bad puns, old-school video games, and other general geekery, naturally we hit it off straight away. And of course, like me, he also enjoys singing (although he is infinitely better at it than I am) and our voices couldn’t fit more perfectly when we sing together.

I really don’t remember the last time I clicked with someone this well. Sometimes, it doesn’t make sense to me how we became friends so quickly, but I suppose it doesn’t need to make sense. It just works somehow. And I’m totally okay with that. I usually go between feeling baffled and amazed at how I even managed to meet him in the first place, while feeling immensely grateful that I did at all.

Even though it was completely by chance that we met and became friends, I still can’t help but wonder if everything really does happen for a specific reason. Or if those silly paper fortunes really can pull through from time to time…

When One Door Closes…

When One Door Closes...

Last week I had to close one of the doors in my life. I don’t want to go into much detail, but I guess you could say this decision was a long time coming, and it needed to be done. I think it is the best thing for me right now, and I know I’ll eventually feel glad that I did it.

By some miracle, I ended up with this little paper in my hands the day after I closed that door, and it makes me hopeful for another door that may open up for me soon.
Fingers crossed.