Clueless

It breaks my heart a little more each time I think about how clueless I was. You were… and are, in so much pain, and I never really noticed. Hell, I never even stopped to contemplate the possibility that your unexplained actions (or occasionally the lack thereof) had absolutely nothing to do with me after all. I feel so ashamed and selfish. I should have known better.

The worst part is that the signs were there… subtle, but undeniably there, in retrospect. And sometimes I hate myself for not realizing it entirely on my own. A small part of me wishes you had trusted me enough to let me in sooner, to unload a little and ease the burden of holding it all in… But I think I have a better understand now as to why you couldn’t.

I hope someday you’ll forgive me. 

(Re)starting Fresh

Today started my second full week of being back in school, and I’m already feeling a little overwhelmed. So far, my 15-20 hour work weeks combined with my 18 credit-hours of classes this semester are starting to make it near impossible to plan anything extra in my spare time, be it some personal quality time or plans with my roommate/boyfriend/other friends, etc. As it is, I’ve already skipped a few of my classes due to pure fatigue from staying up late the night before either studying or working (or both).

The fact that I’m feeling this exhausted and burned out so early on in the semester is definitely something of concern to me. Two weeks in, and I already need another chance to start fresh. Unfortunately, since my classes have already been paid for, dropping a class is not really an option, nor is working less hours at my job… unless, of course, anyone knows of a fairy godmother who magically pays college students’ bills out of the kindness of her sparkly little heart.

fairy godmother

Yep. Didn’t think so.

I am trying to stay optimistic though. Yes, I’m over half way through college. And yes, I’ve only got two more of the “best years of my life” left to experience until I am thrown, full-force, into the real world. But that’s also two more years that I should make the most of and discover new hobbies, make new friends, and go on some great adventures along the way. Why not take advantage of that?

So, I think one of the best ways I can prevent these next few months of school from swallowing me whole involves conducting a bit of a personal experiment on my part:  I am going to try to do one thing different each day that I wouldn’t normally do. It’s not always going to be something big or major, or even that interesting to talk about, but regardless, I want to try to have a minimum of one unique experience each day that I may not have otherwise done.

I’ve reached a point in my life where even though I should know what I want, I still have not a clue what to do with either myself or my life at all. I’m trying to figure it all out as soon as I can, but it’s harder than I thought it would be. In the meantime, I’m open to exploring all sorts of different things while I still have some extra time to spare. I think this “experiment” will help me find some new loves of people, places, and interests, while also helping to make sure this semester doesn’t quickly become a monotonous cycle of school, work, studying, more school, more work, and more studying.

I have faith that this is going to be a good year. :)