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We talked about the future often… Probably more than the average for people who’ve known eachother for as short a time as we have. 
At first, I was a little hesitant and scared to talk about the future like that, so seriously and so soon, but you seemed absolutely certain of what you wanted — and more importantly, you seemed certain about wanting those things with me. And so slowly but surely, those ideas of yours began to swirl around in my mind too, despite the barriers I’d put up long ago in an effort to try and avoid that sort of thing.

And now, I’m trying my best to recover from the whiplash. We’ve moved from knowing we want the same things, to suddenly “being at such different stages in life” that this now seems impossible… Or so you say. 

I’ve given those words much more thought than they probably deserve over the last several days, and well, I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how you could actually truly believe that, after all of our conversations about the subject. It really makes me wonder: do you just see whatever it is you’ve decided you want to see? 

Bittersweet Time Travel

Who knew it would feel this strange to log back into WordPress after nearly 3 years and read some of my old blog posts? It’s kind of like I’m time travelling into the past… which I’m finding to be mostly bittersweet, because I can’t help but to think about everything that’s happened in the time since my last post:

My college boyfriend and I broke up after almost three years together. I earned a double major in finance and management science and graduated on time with honors. Within the last year and a half, my grandpa, and then my dad two months later, both passed away unexpectedly. I finally ditched the college retail job, and I now have a new job at a great company doing something I enjoy that pays way better. I went into – and then out of – a relationship faster than I could reasonably process with a silly boy to whom I happily haven’t spoken in over a year now. I bought my very first house this past June. I stopped going to church and practicing the faith I grew up with. I met and have fallen completely in love with someone at the most unexpected place and time in my life, but the uncertainty of my future with him leaves me feeling sadder than I’ve felt in a long time. I’ve grown so much closer to a few friends and have made some great new friends as well. I’ve also grown very far apart from several old friends and have accepted this to be a sad yet normal thing for 20-somethings to go through.

So yeah, I won’t lie. There’s a small part of present-day me that truly envies the carefree, unsure, and unsuspecting me from a few years ago. I think she would have been excited and proud to hear all about my accomplishments, but she would have also been devastated to learn about the grief and pain that has become a staple in my life lately. And of course, if I could somehow go back and tell her the things I know now, maybe things today could be different.

However, there is another, much larger part of me that desperately wants to believe I am now a better and stronger person because of these experiences. There are certainly days where I feel like I might be… Especially when I think about where I used to be versus where I am now and about all the loving people and great blessings I have in my life today. I guess I’m just waiting for the day when I know with 100% certainty that everything is going to be okay.

 

 

(Re)starting Fresh

Today started my second full week of being back in school, and I’m already feeling a little overwhelmed. So far, my 15-20 hour work weeks combined with my 18 credit-hours of classes this semester are starting to make it near impossible to plan anything extra in my spare time, be it some personal quality time or plans with my roommate/boyfriend/other friends, etc. As it is, I’ve already skipped a few of my classes due to pure fatigue from staying up late the night before either studying or working (or both).

The fact that I’m feeling this exhausted and burned out so early on in the semester is definitely something of concern to me. Two weeks in, and I already need another chance to start fresh. Unfortunately, since my classes have already been paid for, dropping a class is not really an option, nor is working less hours at my job… unless, of course, anyone knows of a fairy godmother who magically pays college students’ bills out of the kindness of her sparkly little heart.

fairy godmother

Yep. Didn’t think so.

I am trying to stay optimistic though. Yes, I’m over half way through college. And yes, I’ve only got two more of the “best years of my life” left to experience until I am thrown, full-force, into the real world. But that’s also two more years that I should make the most of and discover new hobbies, make new friends, and go on some great adventures along the way. Why not take advantage of that?

So, I think one of the best ways I can prevent these next few months of school from swallowing me whole involves conducting a bit of a personal experiment on my part:  I am going to try to do one thing different each day that I wouldn’t normally do. It’s not always going to be something big or major, or even that interesting to talk about, but regardless, I want to try to have a minimum of one unique experience each day that I may not have otherwise done.

I’ve reached a point in my life where even though I should know what I want, I still have not a clue what to do with either myself or my life at all. I’m trying to figure it all out as soon as I can, but it’s harder than I thought it would be. In the meantime, I’m open to exploring all sorts of different things while I still have some extra time to spare. I think this “experiment” will help me find some new loves of people, places, and interests, while also helping to make sure this semester doesn’t quickly become a monotonous cycle of school, work, studying, more school, more work, and more studying.

I have faith that this is going to be a good year. :)