We talked about the future often… Probably more than the average for people who’ve known eachother for as short a time as we have.
At first, I was a little hesitant and scared to talk about the future like that, so seriously and so soon, but you seemed absolutely certain of what you wanted — and more importantly, you seemed certain about wanting those things with me. And so slowly but surely, those ideas of yours began to swirl around in my mind too, despite the barriers I’d put up long ago in an effort to try and avoid that sort of thing.
And now, I’m trying my best to recover from the whiplash. We’ve moved from knowing we want the same things, to suddenly “being at such different stages in life” that this now seems impossible… Or so you say.
I’ve given those words much more thought than they probably deserve over the last several days, and well, I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how you could actually truly believe that, after all of our conversations about the subject. It really makes me wonder: do you just see whatever it is you’ve decided you want to see?
I’m so afraid to reach out and talk to you or tell you anything half the time now, because I have no idea if it’s going to upset or annoy you, or if you’ll even respond or be in a mood to talk to me. It feels absolutely horrible.
I don’t know what you want or where your head’s at. I have no idea how to act or what to say or how to say it.
You say we’re still friends, and I really hope that’s true, but it feels like even that’s falling apart.
I’ve come to terms and accepted everything that’s happened in the last few months. I understand why a romantic relationship won’t work right now. I forgive you completely for everything that’s caused me pain because I know you’re a good person who didn’t mean for things to go like this, and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel guilty or like a bad person for any of it.
All of this I can handle, but for whatever reason I just can’t deal with feeling like I can’t even talk to you anymore. I know I’m more than capable of being just your friend, but if this is how it’s going to feel…
It breaks my heart a little more each time I think about how clueless I was. You were… and are, in so much pain, and I never really noticed. Hell, I never even stopped to contemplate the possibility that your unexplained actions (or occasionally the lack thereof) had absolutely nothing to do with me after all. I feel so ashamed and selfish. I should have known better.
The worst part is that the signs were there… subtle, but undeniably there, in retrospect. And sometimes I hate myself for not realizing it entirely on my own. A small part of me wishes you had trusted me enough to let me in sooner, to unload a little and ease the burden of holding it all in… But I think I have a better understand now as to why you couldn’t.
Who knew it would feel this strange to log back into WordPress after nearly 3 years and read some of my old blog posts? It’s kind of like I’m time travelling into the past… which I’m finding to be mostly bittersweet, because I can’t help but to think about everything that’s happened in the time since my last post:
My college boyfriend and I broke up after almost three years together. I earned a double major in finance and management science and graduated on time with honors. Within the last year and a half, my grandpa, and then my dad two months later, both passed away unexpectedly. I finally ditched the college retail job, and I now have a new job at a great company doing something I enjoy that pays way better. I went into – and then out of – a relationship faster than I could reasonably process with a silly boy to whom I happily haven’t spoken in over a year now. I bought my very first house this past June. I stopped going to church and practicing the faith I grew up with. I met and have fallen completely in love with someone at the most unexpected place and time in my life, but the uncertainty of my future with him leaves me feeling sadder than I’ve felt in a long time. I’ve grown so much closer to a few friends and have made some great new friends as well. I’ve also grown very far apart from several old friends and have accepted this to be a sad yet normal thing for 20-somethings to go through.
So yeah, I won’t lie. There’s a small part of present-day me that truly envies the carefree, unsure, and unsuspecting me from a few years ago. I think she would have been excited and proud to hear all about my accomplishments, but she would have also been devastated to learn about the grief and pain that has become a staple in my life lately. And of course, if I could somehow go back and tell her the things I know now, maybe things today could be different.
However, there is another, much larger part of me that desperately wants to believe I am now a better and stronger person because of these experiences. There are certainly days where I feel like I might be… Especially when I think about where I used to be versus where I am now and about all the loving people and great blessings I have in my life today. I guess I’m just waiting for the day when I know with 100% certainty that everything is going to be okay.