Bittersweet Time Travel

Who knew it would feel this strange to log back into WordPress after nearly 3 years and read some of my old blog posts? It’s kind of like I’m time travelling into the past… which I’m finding to be mostly bittersweet, because I can’t help but to think about everything that’s happened in the time since my last post:

My college boyfriend and I broke up after almost three years together. I earned a double major in finance and management science and graduated on time with honors. Within the last year and a half, my grandpa, and then my dad two months later, both passed away unexpectedly. I finally ditched the college retail job, and I now have a new job at a great company doing something I enjoy that pays way better. I went into – and then out of – a relationship faster than I could reasonably process with a silly boy to whom I happily haven’t spoken in over a year now. I bought my very first house this past June. I stopped going to church and practicing the faith I grew up with. I met and have fallen completely in love with someone at the most unexpected place and time in my life, but the uncertainty of my future with him leaves me feeling sadder than I’ve felt in a long time. I’ve grown so much closer to a few friends and have made some great new friends as well. I’ve also grown very far apart from several old friends and have accepted this to be a sad yet normal thing for 20-somethings to go through.

So yeah, I won’t lie. There’s a small part of present-day me that truly envies the carefree, unsure, and unsuspecting me from a few years ago. I think she would have been excited and proud to hear all about my accomplishments, but she would have also been devastated to learn about the grief and pain that has become a staple in my life lately. And of course, if I could somehow go back and tell her the things I know now, maybe things today could be different.

However, there is another, much larger part of me that desperately wants to believe I am now a better and stronger person because of these experiences. There are certainly days where I feel like I might be… Especially when I think about where I used to be versus where I am now and about all the loving people and great blessings I have in my life today. I guess I’m just waiting for the day when I know with 100% certainty that everything is going to be okay.

 

 

… Another Will Open.

Confession: I’ve been singing. A lot.

Now I’m not claiming to be great at it by any means, but I’ve been absolutely enjoying singing almost every day for the last month or so. In the shower, on the road, even while I’m walking to my classes, I’ve been singing. I found that not only does it help me alleviate some of the stress I’ve been dealing with, but it has also helped to take my mind off of the recent breakdown of a friendship I thought I’d always have.

And most importantly, singing just makes me feel HAPPY. I’ve been having the most difficult time these last few months trying to keep myself afloat with all the work and responsibilities I have, and it’s so nice to have something to help remove myself from it all. Even if I forget about everything just for a little while, I always come back feeling confident and reassured that the things that trouble me will turn out alright after all.

And now for the part I was not expecting:

Somehow, during all this craziness in my life recently, I managed to make a new friend. We have so much in common, if I tried to elaborate just how similar we are, you’d probably think I’m just making it up as I go. After discovering our mutual loves for Breaking Bad, classical music, snail mail, Miley Cyrus, Italian food (and cooking in general), stuffed animals, bad puns, old-school video games, and other general geekery, naturally we hit it off straight away. And of course, like me, he also enjoys singing (although he is infinitely better at it than I am) and our voices couldn’t fit more perfectly when we sing together.

I really don’t remember the last time I clicked with someone this well. Sometimes, it doesn’t make sense to me how we became friends so quickly, but I suppose it doesn’t need to make sense. It just works somehow. And I’m totally okay with that. I usually go between feeling baffled and amazed at how I even managed to meet him in the first place, while feeling immensely grateful that I did at all.

Even though it was completely by chance that we met and became friends, I still can’t help but wonder if everything really does happen for a specific reason. Or if those silly paper fortunes really can pull through from time to time…

When One Door Closes…

When One Door Closes...

Last week I had to close one of the doors in my life. I don’t want to go into much detail, but I guess you could say this decision was a long time coming, and it needed to be done. I think it is the best thing for me right now, and I know I’ll eventually feel glad that I did it.

By some miracle, I ended up with this little paper in my hands the day after I closed that door, and it makes me hopeful for another door that may open up for me soon.
Fingers crossed.

(Re)starting Fresh

Today started my second full week of being back in school, and I’m already feeling a little overwhelmed. So far, my 15-20 hour work weeks combined with my 18 credit-hours of classes this semester are starting to make it near impossible to plan anything extra in my spare time, be it some personal quality time or plans with my roommate/boyfriend/other friends, etc. As it is, I’ve already skipped a few of my classes due to pure fatigue from staying up late the night before either studying or working (or both).

The fact that I’m feeling this exhausted and burned out so early on in the semester is definitely something of concern to me. Two weeks in, and I already need another chance to start fresh. Unfortunately, since my classes have already been paid for, dropping a class is not really an option, nor is working less hours at my job… unless, of course, anyone knows of a fairy godmother who magically pays college students’ bills out of the kindness of her sparkly little heart.

fairy godmother

Yep. Didn’t think so.

I am trying to stay optimistic though. Yes, I’m over half way through college. And yes, I’ve only got two more of the “best years of my life” left to experience until I am thrown, full-force, into the real world. But that’s also two more years that I should make the most of and discover new hobbies, make new friends, and go on some great adventures along the way. Why not take advantage of that?

So, I think one of the best ways I can prevent these next few months of school from swallowing me whole involves conducting a bit of a personal experiment on my part:  I am going to try to do one thing different each day that I wouldn’t normally do. It’s not always going to be something big or major, or even that interesting to talk about, but regardless, I want to try to have a minimum of one unique experience each day that I may not have otherwise done.

I’ve reached a point in my life where even though I should know what I want, I still have not a clue what to do with either myself or my life at all. I’m trying to figure it all out as soon as I can, but it’s harder than I thought it would be. In the meantime, I’m open to exploring all sorts of different things while I still have some extra time to spare. I think this “experiment” will help me find some new loves of people, places, and interests, while also helping to make sure this semester doesn’t quickly become a monotonous cycle of school, work, studying, more school, more work, and more studying.

I have faith that this is going to be a good year. :)

Back From the Dead

Today is August 15th, 2013. I don’t remember the last day I posted on here, but I can try to fill in some of the blanks regarding what I’ve been up to since my last blog post. You know, in case any of you actually care or are still interested in/reading my blog.

Life has been pretty hectic lately, but mostly in a positive way. I’ve just been busy nonstop for weeks… I worked like crazy at my job right up until I had to drive up to my college town and move into my new apartment. Then, I turned around and headed home a few days later, spent the next three days hurriedly finishing up my horrible summer World Lit class, and then left the next morning for a week trip to the beach. The beach trip was lovely and all, but the day after returning home, again I left to go back to my college town and sort out my job situation over there… only to come back home two weeks later just “for the weekend” which ended up being an entire week instead, and now finally today I am headed back up to school once and for all. Well, probably until Labor Day weekend when my family will want me to come home yet again. Sigh….

Because of the constant busy-ness and running around like a crazy person, my summer break hasn’t really felt like a “break” at all. I had some pretty high hopes as far as things I would get done this summer, but as you can imagine, I eventually just ran out of time for everything.

But while I may not have done EVERYTHING I had hoped to accomplish this summer, I still can’t really complain. I got an easy, 3-credit English class out of the way while working a ton at my job and making some pretty good money. I’ve got a better idea of what I might want my major/s and minor to be, but I still think I should take the introductory business courses in finance, marketing, and management science before I make a final decision. I got accepted for a PR position in a club that I’m currently involved with at school, which is really exciting because it’s a year-long position and will also help me determine if that may also be something I’m interested in. And in regards to my social life, I was able to see most of my friends from back home in one way or another, and was also able to see my boyfriend a good 4 times this summer (can’t wait to stop the long-distance in a few days!) I also made a few new friends this summer as well :)

And of course, the overall process of moving into the new apartment certainly had its moments, but I am happy to say that I absolutely LOVE this new apartment! My roommate Katherine and I are almost finished putting the final touches on the decorative and organizational aspects of the apartment. I can’t wait to officially be settled in because not only will we be able to finally relax in our new space, but I’ll be able to snap some photos of the new place and share some of my decorating and DIY projects I’ve done around the apartment so far!

So… It’s been really busy lately, but now that things are beginning to settle into a more predictable routine of school, work, blogging (hopefully), extracurriculars, etc., I’m feeling much less stressed and more prepared for this upcoming school year. I’m pretty excited to see what my junior year of college will bring. I really do hope this year will involve a little less studying 24/7 so that I can make some more free time for myself and actually enjoy my second to last year in college :)

In the meantime, I’ve got one more week of summer break to enjoy before classes resume for the fall semester. I’m going to make every one of these next 7 days count :)

Derailed

I haven’t posted on my blog in over two weeks.

It’s not because I’ve been too busy to sit down and write anything, and it’s not because I haven’t done anything exciting that’s worth blogging about.

The truth is that I actually have been pretty busy these last few days, and I’ve done some pretty fun and exciting things lately that I could have very easily written about. Here is where I think the problem lies:

Whenever I come up with an idea, I have this vision in my head of what the final product of that idea will be like, and that vision is what I set as my goal and what I try so hard to achieve. Somewhere deep down, I know that the initial vision of something is almost never what ends up happening in the end, and a lot of times that can be a great and positive thing. Though for whatever reason, if after some time something doesn’t turn out the way I pictured it, I tend to get distracted by my “failure” to the point where I feel completely unmotivated and uninspired to continue on. When I feel that way, it makes me just want to stop trying or quit completely.

I know I’m not the only person to have ever felt this way… but the feeling is rather awful. It’s like writer’s block but much worse because I’ve also managed to lose my purpose during this phase of being completely uninspired, and so I have no idea where to go from here.