We haven’t seen or spoken to each other in a little over a week… And while it does make me feel sad to think about a week of us having nothing to say to one another, honestly the silence doesn’t feel quite as terrible as I imagined it would be. In fact, in a weird way, it almost feels like it’s been a good thing. It’s given me a lot of time to think.
I’ve been embracing lately the idea of time acting as the ultimate healer. Time is moving on, either with or without us, whether we like it or not. With each and every hour that passes, it has taken me that much further away from all that’s happened… but at the same time, it’s also slowly inched me closer to finding clarity, peace, and whatever it is that the future holds for me. For the first time in months, everything finally feels like it’s going to be okay someday.
With every passing hour in the days and weeks to come, I hope you know you’re that much closer to healing and finding your own peace too. One day, you’ll wake up and feel so much better about everything. You’ll feel happy and know who you are once more. And you’ll finally feel like you’re able to be completely vulnerable again and allow someone into your heart who will love you, exactly as you are, forever. When that day comes, I hope you’ll know where to find me.
We talked about the future often… Probably more than the average for people who’ve known eachother for as short a time as we have.
At first, I was a little hesitant and scared to talk about the future like that, so seriously and so soon, but you seemed absolutely certain of what you wanted — and more importantly, you seemed certain about wanting those things with me. And so slowly but surely, those ideas of yours began to swirl around in my mind too, despite the barriers I’d put up long ago in an effort to try and avoid that sort of thing.
And now, I’m trying my best to recover from the whiplash. We’ve moved from knowing we want the same things, to suddenly “being at such different stages in life” that this now seems impossible… Or so you say.
I’ve given those words much more thought than they probably deserve over the last several days, and well, I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how you could actually truly believe that, after all of our conversations about the subject. It really makes me wonder: do you just see whatever it is you’ve decided you want to see?
I’m so afraid to reach out and talk to you or tell you anything half the time now, because I have no idea if it’s going to upset or annoy you, or if you’ll even respond or be in a mood to talk to me. It feels absolutely horrible.
I don’t know what you want or where your head’s at. I have no idea how to act or what to say or how to say it.
You say we’re still friends, and I really hope that’s true, but it feels like even that’s falling apart.
I’ve come to terms and accepted everything that’s happened in the last few months. I understand why a romantic relationship won’t work right now. I forgive you completely for everything that’s caused me pain because I know you’re a good person who didn’t mean for things to go like this, and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel guilty or like a bad person for any of it.
All of this I can handle, but for whatever reason I just can’t deal with feeling like I can’t even talk to you anymore. I know I’m more than capable of being just your friend, but if this is how it’s going to feel…
It breaks my heart a little more each time I think about how clueless I was. You were… and are, in so much pain, and I never really noticed. Hell, I never even stopped to contemplate the possibility that your unexplained actions (or occasionally the lack thereof) had absolutely nothing to do with me after all. I feel so ashamed and selfish. I should have known better.
The worst part is that the signs were there… subtle, but undeniably there, in retrospect. And sometimes I hate myself for not realizing it entirely on my own. A small part of me wishes you had trusted me enough to let me in sooner, to unload a little and ease the burden of holding it all in… But I think I have a better understand now as to why you couldn’t.
Last week I had to close one of the doors in my life. I don’t want to go into much detail, but I guess you could say this decision was a long time coming, and it needed to be done. I think it is the best thing for me right now, and I know I’ll eventually feel glad that I did it.
By some miracle, I ended up with this little paper in my hands the day after I closed that door, and it makes me hopeful for another door that may open up for me soon.